I Hate Everyone Except You

Kelly, Clinton. I Hate Everyone, Except You. New York: Gallery. 2016. Print.

First Sentences:

In the spring of 1982, I got it into my head that I needed, more than anything in the whole world, to visit Action Park in New Jersey.

The commercials, which played every seven minutes during the reruns of Gilligan's Island and The Brady Bunch, spoke to the deepest desires of the thirteen-year-old soul. 

Description:

Maybe not everyone knows Clinton Kelly, co-host for ten years of the television show What Not to Wear and current moderator of The Chew food show. The smiling, snarky Clinton who dished out clothing and now food advice, has just written an autobiography (actually a series of essays about his life) called, I Hate Everyone Except You and it's a laugh-out-loud triumph. For me, it's the funniest book since Jim Gaffigan's Food: A Love Story.

Kelly spins story after story of youth and hardly-overnight rise to celebrity fame, along with the people who showed up in his life to thwart or encourage his travel. For example:

• Memorizing dialogue from porn movies as a teen with friends, then re-run the film and recite the lines with strange emphasis or discussion as to motivation, character, etc. (His technique to actually rent these from the local video store is also fantastic);

• Preparing 100 story ideas in one day for his interview with Marie Claire magazine;

• Teaching his six-year-old sister cheerleading moves to make her popular once she gets to high school. This despite the awkward fact that Kelly knows nothing about football or cheerleading;

• On a friend's urging, asking the Universe for help, but only if he puts his complete trust in the Universe that it knows what you need. Two weeks later he got the audition for What Not to Wear

Here are a few other tidbits to judge his humor for yourself. Maybe he's not your thing, but to me I find his stories and writing clever and really funny. 

[On his little sister] - She had a steely poker face when confronted with disappointed authority figures....She would look you straight in the eyes like, You think I give a crap about your opinion of me? Granted, she was only six, but the kid had star quality.  

[On preventing a high school librarian from knowing he was looking through a medical reference book for pictures of penises] -  If I saw a librarian approach at any point, I would leap from my chair, heading her off at the pass, and ask her if she needed any help organizing the card catalog. "I just hate when people take the cards out and put them back in the wrong spot. The Dewey Decimal System only works when we all do our part."  

[Getting old] - The only time I see three a.m. now is when I have to get up to pee for the second time.

[His initial audition for What Not to Wear, providing ad-lib commentary on women walking down a street in Manhattan] - Suntan hose! How come nobody told me it was 1972 in Boca Raton?; You mom called, she wants her jeans back. And she's not sure who your father is; Honey, that much titty is completely inappropriate -- unless you're stripping or having a mammogram.

[On his WNTW co-host, Stacy London] -  I either adored her or despised her, and never anything in between, probably because we spent nearly sixty hours a week in captivity, rarely more than an arm's length away from each other. ...We were like a brother and sister trapped in the backseat during an excruciatingly long car trip. One minute wanting to play a game, the next wanting to kill the other for breathing.

[On his dog] - Mary is a human being trapped in a thirteen-pound Jack Russell terrier's body, albeit a human being who's obsessed with smelling random puddles of piss on the sidewalk. And so I give her everything she could ever need to live an emotionally fulfilling life: organic freeze-dried chicken, filtered water, treats baked in small batches by local artisans, weekend hikes on the Appalachian Trail, spa days, et cetera. 

[On a woman sitting in a coffee shop] - She has the most flawless golden skin I have ever seen. I don't know how she could possibly achieve such a color, except by sitting in the sun for no less or more than seven minutes a day, every day, and taking regular baths in rainbows and the blood of angels. 

[On an unsuccessful boyfriend] - The entire time Rick and I dated, I knew on some level that we shouldn't be together. When you regularly want to murder someone, usually it's a sign that things aren't "meant to be."  

[Moving to Sweden if Ted Cruz should be elected] - On paper Sweden seemed like the perfect place for us. Its people, for the most part, speak English, are immaculately clean, and appreciate a cute outfit from H&M. That's pretty much me in a nutshell.  

[If he were president] - I will require every citizen over the age of twenty-one to wait tables full-time for a minimum of two years....I just think it's important each of us experience the utter assholery of which our fellow American is capable while he's eating a pork chop.  If we're all concerned that tomorrow we may be the one treated like the lowly pissant, smiling like a lunatic for a 15 percent tip, we will all behave more civilly today  

Had to stop myself from sharing even more gems, so get it yourself and enjoy reading a witty author who can really make you laugh.

Happy reading. 

Fred

(See more recommended books)
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Gaffigan, Jim. Food: A Love Story

By far the funniest book I have ever read, about Gaffigan and his encounters with food. He's an "Eatie" rather than a "Foodie," so is interested in every type of plain food, except vegetables. Not to be missed. (previously reviewed here)