Manners from Heaven

Crisp, Quentin. Manners from Heaven: A Divine Guide to Good Behavior. New York: Harpercollins. 1985. Print

First Sentences:

Nothing more rapidly inclines a person to go into a monastery than reading a book on etiquette.

Description:

Wait, you're recommending people read a book on manners? In the case of Quentin Crisp and his brilliant Manners from Heaven: A Divine Guide to Good Behavior, the answer is a definite "Yes." When an author is clever, witty, a brilliant observer of people and their actions, and a terrific writer to boot, what is not to recommend? And in these months of shocking behavior and words from presidential candidates, a books about manners is timely.

But first you should recognize the difference between "etiquette" and "manners." For Crisp, etiquette is a list of rules of behavior, usually to keep one class of people separate and superior to an unknowing class lower than them in society. It is a  "form of exclusion...designed to make people (particularly those not of one's 'class') feel ill at ease and out of place." 

Manners, on the other hand, "are a technique of inclusion, a way of ensuring that in our company no one will ever be made to feel he is an outcast by reason of his birth, education or occupation."

I am more concerned with how manners can be employed to cope with, or outwit, the affronts of racism, sexism, hooliganism -- and the terrible things which people do to one another in the name of love. 

And what could be better than a book that describes common, albeit awkward, situations situations that can be gracefully addressed by good manners? Unwanted telephone calls? Getting rid of guests? Parenting? Lawsuits? Sex? Getting your own way? Here's just a few of Crisp's mannerly commentary on our behavior and strategies to improve our actions and words:

- Since it is absolutely essential that no one should ever be made to seem boring or repetitious, you must avoid any suggestion that you are weary of what they are saying.  

- We are not free, however, to rebuke other people nor speak badly of them to others. To rebuke someone presupposes that we are above him in some way.

- The war between the sexes is the only one in which both sides regularly sleep with the enemy....we live in an age where no one can be trusted to behave themselves where sex is concerned. 

- Whenever someone says to me, "But what do you really think about me (him, her, it)?" what I really think is that it's time to go.

- Never say to anyone who is less than twenty-five "Drop in any time," because that person may be back tomorrow, reading more hospitality into your words than you meant....I've been guilty of unexpectedly visiting people who'd said, "Drop in any time," without realizing that that was English for 'Goodbye.'

- It often happens that when we think we're making whoopee we're only making a whoops instead. Saying "no" to someone who has already rummaged through our drawers is tricky, but take heart -- even Rome, once sacked,did not have to sacked again and again.

-  We must at all times seek out those people and situations most conducive to bring out out the best in us, and keep to a minimum our contacts with people who merely drain our energy. 

Story after story from Crisp reveal the difficult situations we all find ourselves in and how to gracefully extract oneself without offense. But the difficulty of smoothing the seas of human interaction can be taxing. Crisp recounts one particularly trying man who had invited Crisp to his home for a weekend. The host's awful behavior forced Crisp to flee early:

I hightailed it back to my New York room where I had a good cry and then did four crossword puzzles in a row to restore some sense of civilization.

And don't forget to use "Crisperanto," the author's mannerly speaking used to create a pleasing impression while still conveying the speaker's true mind. 

I lie altruistically -- for our mutual good. The lie is the basic building block of good manners. 

A wonderful, intelligent, funny, and truthful book well-written and insightful. Highly recommended.

Manners are a way of getting what you want without appearing to be an absolute swine - or at least a way to getting something of what you want without giving total offence to other people.

Happy reading. 

Fred

www.firstsentencereader.blogspot.com

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If this book interests you, be sure to check out:

Crisp, Quentin. How to Go to the Movies 

Crisp shares his opinions on current and past movies, stars, changing cinematic morals, and his encounters with film actors, actresses, and directors. Witty, caustic, and always outrageously honest. 

Tessaro, Kathleen. Elegance

A self-described plain woman finds a 40-year-old style book written by a French woman that promises to help any woman achieve poise and grace. Lessons are tried with success and, of course, unexpected consequences.