The Golf Omnibus

Wodehouse, P.G. The Golf Omnibus. New York: Gramercy 1996. Print

First Sentences:

Archibald Mealing was one of those golfers in who desire outruns performance. Nobody could have been more willing than Archibald....Every morning before he took his bath he would stand in front of his mirror and practice swings. Every night before he went to bed he would read the golden words of some master on the subject of putting, driving, or approaching. Yet on the links most of his time was spent in retrieving lost balls or replacing America. 

Description:

I don't know why it's taken me so long to finally get around to recommending the wonderful P.G. Wodehouse, The Golf Omnibus. It is truly one of my all-time favorite reads, one that is always there to make me laugh out loud at the characters, actions, or witty wordsmithing. It is my go-to book to recommend and give as a gift book over many years.

The Golf Omnibus is a collection of 31 golf-related stories written in the early 1920s by the fabulously droll Wodehouse. Please don't let the age of these stories put you off. They each depict a wonderfully different world of that era, the sport of golf, and the odd ducks that play it. Players used wooden-shafted clubs called "mashies," "niblicks," "spoons," "brassies," and "cleeks." Just the names of those weapons make me smile.

And the names of the players wielding these tools are simply the outrageously best: Archibald Mealing, Ramsden Waters, Mortimer Sturgis, Mabel Patmore, Rollo Podmarsh, Rodney Splevin, Ferdinand Dibble, Herbert Pobsley, Wilberfod Bream, Cuthbert Banks, and oh, so many more delightful souls with dreams of glory on the course, or of impressing a specific person they fancy.

Most stories are narrated by "the Oldest Member," an ancient golfer always found in the clubhouse lounge sipping a lemon squash. From his comfy chair, he collars players just coming off the course to relate tales of current and formers players he knew. Each one is a hilarious gem (and I don't use that word lightly). 

• King Merolchassar who declared golf the official religion of his nation of Oom.
• Archibald Mealing who, after, six years' efforts, wins his club championship despite having a style of playing that was "a kind of blend of hockey, Swedish drill, and buck-and-wind dancing."
• Peter Willard and James Todd who play a round of golf to settle which one gets the opportunity to woo a certain young lady they both fancy, and following that, who must "leg it out of the neighborhood."

Of course, the Oldest Member has words of advice for even the most unwilling listener. Here are some of his examples picked out randomly, each accompanying a story to support his words:

• Love is an emotion which your true golfer should always treat with suspicion.
• The talking golfer is undeniably the most pronounced pest of our complex modern civilization.
• One of the noblest women I ever knew used to laugh merrily when she foozled a short putt. It was only later, when I learned that in the privacy of her home she would weep bitterly and bite holes in the sofa cushions, that I realized that she did but wear the mask.
• His walk was the walk of an overwrought soul.
• Nothing but misery can come of the union between a golfer and an outcast whose soul has not been purified by the noblest of games.
• It is not mere technical skill that makes a man a good golfer, it is the golfing soul.
  

Story after story brings readers into the off-beat world of privileges, romance, peculiarities, and of course, golf as it is played by the common sports-minded hacker. Truly delightful on every page. Highest recommendation.

Happy reading. 

Fred

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If this book interests you, be sure to check out:

Jerome, Jerome K.. Three Men in a Boat (To Say Nothing of the Dog).   

The only book I could think of that is as funny, witty, and personable as the Wodehouse stories. Delightfully comedic in that dry, British manner of three friends deciding to take a leisurely boat trip. Disaster ensues as none has any experience whatsoever with boats. Tremendously droll and clever.