New Teeth

Rich, Simon. New Teeth. New York: Little, Brown 2021. Print.

First Sentences:

I am me own master and commander. I serve no king and fear no God. I would sooner cut a hundred throats than heed one order from a living man. When I strike, I take no quarter, for there be no mercy in me heart, just cold, black ice. Me cutlass is me only friend.


Description:

Bold words indeed from a dastardly pirate, in the opening story of  Simon Rich's wonderfully funny collection, New Teeth. This character, Captain Black Bones the Wicked, and his first mate, Rotten Pete, come across a three-year-old girl left onboard a ship they had just pillaged. They reluctantly agree to look after her (rather than have her walk the plank which Black Bones preferred), and soon find themselves going against the philosophy they hold most dear: they take demanding orders like "Up" from the girl. Of course, there is treasure to be pursued, but since only the girl can barely read, she must teach them a few letters to comprehend the treasure map. In return, naturally they teach her to say "Arrgh" a lot and whistle with her fingers, while the two pirates argue over parenting techniques. Loopy, crazy, and delightfully unexpected.

Each of Rich's stories is similarly fetching, such as:

• The narrative from a laser disk player about the past good times he experienced with his owner trying to woo girls, to the present and his looming obsolescence to a DVD player and an iPad;

• A tough-talking three-year-old detective trying to solve the mystery of his baby sister's missing unicorn doll;

•  A woman who was raised by wolves, but now leads a normal life...except on Thanksgiving when her wolf parents are invited to dinner;

• The psychologist who rescued and is now studying David Merrick, the "Elephant Man," now begins to fear his wife and Merrick are falling in love;

• An incredibly naïve and innocent Babe Ruth joins his first minor league team and tries to understand baseball, fearing he has made mistakes like when he hit a ball and it exploded, or when he missed the cutoff man and threw the ball so hard from centerfield on a fly to the catcher that it knocked the man over.

Simon Rich has become my new go-to author of unpredictable, laugh out loud (hate that expression, but here it is true) situations, people, and dialogue. Really? A toddler talking in Philip Marlow's hard-bitten noir detective speak? A pirate who gives his peg leg to a child as a doll which she in turn names "Peggy"? An escaped experimental 12' tall half-man, half-gorilla who saves his city from alien attacks, is given a medal, and then forced  into a desk job? A screenwriter who becomes cursed to listen to the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack with his child and pretend to be the beast every minute they are together?

I can't wait to read more of Rich's work, and wonder why it took hearing a random NPR reading of one of his stories to clue me in on this creative writer. He's written for Saturday Night Live, The New Yorker, and Pixar, and is the creator of the television series, Man Seeing Woman and Miracle Workers based on his books. He even won the Thurber Prize for American Humor. Where have I been all this time?

Anyways, please give New Teeth or any of his other short story collections a try. Quirky? Yes. Unexpected? Always. Laughable? Of course. Thought provoking? Yes, yes, and more yes. 

Happy reading. 

 

Fred

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If this book interests you, be sure to check out:

Rich, Simon. Hits and Misses.   

Although I have not yet read this, it is the collection of short stories that won him the 2019 Thurber Prize for American Humor. Got to be great, so I've reserved it and it's now waiting for me to be picked up at the library. Can't wait to delve into his unusual mind.